Over the last few weeks, we’ve been hanging on every word of Dr. Philip Brown, the man with a plan to help parents lead the creation of family codes of conduct. Dr. Brown’s recommendations, captured in the three-part activity series he created and named the “Cape Code Project,” are key to raising Cape Kids, little guys and gals of character who make good choices and choose kindness as their way to interact with the world. Dr. Brown is a senior consultant at the National School Climate Center and Wear the Cape’s character development guru (we couldn’t be more thrilled).
Activity #1 of the Cape Code Project led parents in “Discovering and agreeing upon your family’s core ethical values.” The second activity in the trilogy consisted of “Defining your core ethical values in behavioral terms.” Today, we put the icing on the cake with the last Cape Code Project activity, which is framed by Dr. Brown’s expert insight and helpful hints.
Let’s get to the fun stuff!
Activity #3: Making it real for your Cape Kids: How to bring core ethical values to life
Background: Making your clan’s core ethical values a meaningful part of family life depends on how you use them. Remember that the purpose is to provide a basis for greater caring and positive conduct by all members of the family – and this means parents, too! The core values should be used to support children’s evolving skills and understanding of moral and ethical behavior. As they grow older, children, like adults, are faced with conflicts that sometimes pit values such as honesty and loyalty against each other (e.g., reporting a close friend’s bad behavior).
Here’s how to set your hard work from Activities 1 and 2 in motion:
Activity:
- Reinforce examples of positive behaviors that exemplify your family values. In order to underscore and internalize the meaningfulness of your values, emphasize them by reminding children (and adults) when they are ‘caught doing good’. If one of your values is responsibility, say something like, “Thanks for getting out there and shoveling the walk before I even asked you to do it – that’s really taking responsibility for helping me and the whole family.”
- Use the values to identify behavior lapses or poor conduct, always indicating that it is the conduct not the person you are calling out. The core values should be guideposts for positive conduct, not reasons for punishment.
- Develop and practice how you will use the core values as part of discipline. If there is conduct that, according to your family rules, requires punishment, such as removal of privileges or a time-out, start the conversation by asking which of the family values the behavior violated. If the conduct was failing to get ready for school on time resulting in getting to school late, the conversation might start with 1) identifying the behavior (‘you were playing video games instead of getting dressed on time’), 2) asking which of the values this behavior did not support (responsibility), 3) asking the child to say what kind of behavior would support that value, and 4) then indicating what an appropriate punishment would be according to your family rules. This general sequence would vary some depending on the age of the child and the circumstance, but it is important not to give the child the impression that you believe he or she is, by nature, an irresponsible person.
- Remember to model the behaviors you expect from your children. If you have a spouse or partner, model the use of the core values and let your children hear and see you doing so. “Hey, honey, I love it when you clean up the kitchen for me; that’s such a responsible, caring thing to do.” If children see the adults in their lives consistently violating the core ethical values being asked of them, that is a more influential message than what you say to them about their conduct, and undermines the entire process of having family core ethical values.
- Attitude is important. Accentuate the positive, and when you or your children fall short, your attitude should be, “We all make mistakes and may not be as responsible as we would like to be all the time, but we understand why it is important to try and be responsible, because it helps everyone else and makes us feel better about ourselves as family members, too.” (Note: This strategy for motivating good behavior is rooted in the well-researched fact that belonging to a family or social group is one of the most powerful human needs. On the other hand, relying on the fear of punishment fails to develop understanding and internal resources for prosocial behaviors.)
Our main takeaway? Be consistent and loving to make your family a positive source of support for your children. It will pay big dividends down the road in terms of building character and raising kids that will contribute to a better society.
Wellll, that’s all folks! Thank you, Dr. Brown, for laying out a clear plan with the Cape Code Project that is simple enough for any family to follow. And for more helpful resources on character development, visit the “Dr. Brown Says” page on our website here.
Choose kind,
Leigh Ann
