priorities | Wear The Cape Kids

My CRAZY Uncle Pete died this past week and was laid to rest. He really was nuts, but I mean that in a wholeheartedly loving way. He always made people laugh and never took life too seriously. How I wish we could have one more conversation with Uncle Pete, one more laugh, one more boat ride on a quiet lake to go fishing, one more Christmas Eve tradition– hootin’ and hollerin’ over our whacky Secret Santa game. We will all miss him so much.

As my Aunt said to me over the weekend, “Life is for the living.” So why would I waste blog space to selfishly talk about my sadness and seek sympathy for my family? Well, because perhaps there are rich lessons veiled in my reflection that we can impart to our children as we struggle with grief (sprinkled with regret) from losing a loved one.

I felt like the one silver lining in losing Crazy Uncle Pete was it rebooted me big time on what matters with our “lives for the living” and with our next generation in this world:

Family and extended family really matter – and taking the time to see each other really does give us strength. Family is “going home” to reconnect with our roots. Are we doing enough to let our children know about their heritage?

Friendship is pure gold. A friend who comforts you in your dark storm is a friend to treasure. Are we doing what we can to be that friend to those who are struggling? We tend to be super supportive during loss, funerals – we are good friends, good daughters, good sisters, good cousins….but what can we do every day to have that same drive to support and show kindness to our friends?

There are so many random acts of kindness swirling around us during a grief-stricken time…so many people who do favors without the hunt for a gain. I ask myself, why can’t we all be in this mode as a common practice? And how would that change the landscape of our culture? Fun to dream of that better way.

At times of grief and loss, there is so much civility, such good manners, exhibited in abundance. How can we keep that vibe alive in our society on happy occasions, too, and on hurried weekdays when we are all out there dashing through the race of life?

When we suffer loss, many of us take stock in how we are spending our time each day, assessing what is and is not serving us well. Is there a way we can do self-regulation more regularly? Our most cherished possessions are the memories we’ve made with our dear friends, our family, and especially our children during their fragile and magical formative years.

So, my dear Uncle Pete: May you rest in peace. And thank you, Uncle, for the lessons this week; they are locked in my heart just like the memory of that day, long ago, floating in a little boat on Cape Cod.

Choose Kind,
Leigh Ann

Uncle Pete and Mom in Their Younger Days

As we are in the thick of the holidays, I got to thinking and casually polling about how we might be able to keep the true meaning and spirit of Christmas top of mind with our children, rather than solely focusing on all that is in Santa’s sleigh. As we parents know, that is not an easy accomplishment these days.

So what is a parent to do? We want to raise kids who are not entitled but, rather, grateful. We want to bring up kids who have a kind heart and giving spirit focused on helping and serving others.

At my two oldest children’s year-end holiday concert, the music teacher introduced the songs and the children singing them by talking about the meaning of the season. It was pointed out that music is one way to show and share love with other people, especially those with a tired spirit and a lot less skip in their steps…those less fortunate.

In the spirit of the old faithful Top 10 list, here are some things to ponder and to consider doing with your children during this special time of year to show and share some love – because let’s face it: In the end, love is a pretty darn important thing in our lives. It creates so much security and confidence in our children when they feel loved…when they get to make happy memories with us.

1) Discuss who you may know is having a particularly difficult or lonely year, and invite that person to join in on your holiday plans for dinner and some good cheer – chances are you know someone who fits this description.

2) If you celebrate Christmas, remember: It is the day that Christ was born. Some moms that I polled had the neat idea to have a birthday cake for Jesus to be sure he is not forgotten in the midst of the holiday frenzy.

3) Go caroling at an assisted living facility or volunteer some time there to bring the residents a picture your kids drew or just to sit and talk.

4) Go around the table with children during a meal and ask them to reflect on what they are most grateful for this year (that money cannot buy).

5) If the materialism and the wallet pounding has you blue, I have a friend who gives each of her children three gifts for Christmas, one representing each of the Three Wise Men/Kings from the Bible. How’s that for a win-win?

6) Discuss with your children one resolution they will make for how they will help another person or group of people in the new year (e.g, volunteer, help an elderly neighbor with his/her house chores, bake or cook for a family in need, etc).

7) Work hard to maintain the traditions from your childhood that were really happy, fun and filled your heart with joy. Children love to hear stories of their parents’ childhoods. Share some of your best memories of Christmas as a child, and try to replicate some of the familiar magic, recipes, places or activities whenever possible.

For me, I recall that the gifts we baked for our teachers were a pretty big deal growing up, as was the chance to go out to dinner on Christmas Eve to a “fancy” place in good ‘ole Mendham, NJ that we otherwise could not afford. We appreciated every moment of that decadent dinner and then prayed that our old and very “beaten up” Oldsmobile station wagon with wood paneling on the side would make it up our snowy driveway on the way home. If I close my eyes, I can go right back to those joy-filled moments with the Beach Boys Christmas album cranked up on the AM radio….they filled my heart up with so much love. I think the most magical part was that my mom and dad worked so hard to afford that dinner for our family. They were smart enough to teach us how fortunate we were to be going there and the importance of hard work to earn nice experiences to share with your family.

8) Plan to have no plans – and be home with your kids, nesting, cooking, telling stories, reading books and watching special movies with meaning. We parents move at warp speed trying to provide for our children. While that is awesome, I imagine our kids would never turn down extra quality time and quiet time with us. That takes being intentional, just as we would plan any other meeting (this is one where I struggle; I am a psychotic multi-tasker, but working hard on my own reform).

9) Treasure your treasures. Take the time to share the meaning of your heirloom decorations by telling your children stories about them. Ask for their help in carefully packing up the treasures until next year, emphasizing the value of these special family treasures.

For me, this year at my annual holiday lunch with my mom (one of our well-protected holiday traditions), she passed down the tree-topper angel to me. She wanted me to have it, as there is a lot of meaning and memory in that particular ornament for me. When my mom gave it to me, I started to cry. It made me realize that I could do a way better job reviewing all of the ornaments with my own children, as opposed to things being such a “free for all” when we decorate. I will do better in this regard next year.

10)Whatever we may have wished we had experienced as a kid but, for whatever reason, didn’t have the chance, now is our opportunity to make it happen for our children. Think through what new traditions your kids would cherish and try to make them a reality.

I know a couple that, every year, crafts an individual letter for each child to open on Christmas morning. The letter describes some of the highlights of the child’s year – the fun memories, the nicknames, the favorite songs and things to do. The letters are saved in a special box and stored away year over year. The children love reading their letters or having them read to them, depending on their ages. It has nothing to do with material things and everything to do with experiences. It becomes a keepsake to store in the box and in their hearts forever.