family values | Wear The Cape Kids

Over the last few weeks, we’ve been hanging on every word of Dr. Philip Brown, the man with a plan to help parents lead the creation of family codes of conduct. Dr. Brown’s recommendations, captured in the three-part activity series he created and named the “Cape Code Project,” are key to raising Cape Kids, little guys and gals of character who make good choices and choose kindness as their way to interact with the world. Dr. Brown is a senior consultant at the National School Climate Center and Wear the Cape’s character development guru (we couldn’t be more thrilled).

Activity #1 of the Cape Code Project led parents in “Discovering and agreeing upon your family’s core ethical values.” The second activity in the trilogy consisted of “Defining your core ethical values in behavioral terms.” Today, we put the icing on the cake with the last Cape Code Project activity, which is framed by Dr. Brown’s expert insight and helpful hints.

Let’s get to the fun stuff!

Activity #3: Making it real for your Cape Kids: How to bring core ethical values to life

Background: Making your clan’s core ethical values a meaningful part of family life depends on how you use them. Remember that the purpose is to provide a basis for greater caring and positive conduct by all members of the family – and this means parents, too! The core values should be used to support children’s evolving skills and understanding of moral and ethical behavior. As they grow older, children, like adults, are faced with conflicts that sometimes pit values such as honesty and loyalty against each other (e.g., reporting a close friend’s bad behavior).

Here’s how to set your hard work from Activities 1 and 2 in motion:

Activity:

Reinforce examples of positive behaviors that exemplify your family values. In order to underscore and internalize the meaningfulness of your values, emphasize them by reminding children (and adults) when they are ‘caught doing good’. If one of your values is responsibility, say something like, “Thanks for getting out there and shoveling the walk before I even asked you to do it – that’s really taking responsibility for helping me and the whole family.”
Use the values to identify behavior lapses or poor conduct, always indicating that it is the conduct not the person you are calling out. The core values should be guideposts for positive conduct, not reasons for punishment.
Develop and practice how you will use the core values as part of discipline. If there is conduct that, according to your family rules, requires punishment, such as removal of privileges or a time-out, start the conversation by asking which of the family values the behavior violated. If the conduct was failing to get ready for school on time resulting in getting to school late, the conversation might start with 1) identifying the behavior (‘you were playing video games instead of getting dressed on time’), 2) asking which of the values this behavior did not support (responsibility), 3) asking the child to say what kind of behavior would support that value, and 4) then indicating what an appropriate punishment would be according to your family rules. This general sequence would vary some depending on the age of the child and the circumstance, but it is important not to give the child the impression that you believe he or she is, by nature, an irresponsible person.
Remember to model the behaviors you expect from your children. If you have a spouse or partner, model the use of the core values and let your children hear and see you doing so. “Hey, honey, I love it when you clean up the kitchen for me; that’s such a responsible, caring thing to do.” If children see the adults in their lives consistently violating the core ethical values being asked of them, that is a more influential message than what you say to them about their conduct, and undermines the entire process of having family core ethical values.
Attitude is important. Accentuate the positive, and when you or your children fall short, your attitude should be, “We all make mistakes and may not be as responsible as we would like to be all the time, but we understand why it is important to try and be responsible, because it helps everyone else and makes us feel better about ourselves as family members, too.” (Note: This strategy for motivating good behavior is rooted in the well-researched fact that belonging to a family or social group is one of the most powerful human needs. On the other hand, relying on the fear of punishment fails to develop understanding and internal resources for prosocial behaviors.)

Our main takeaway? Be consistent and loving to make your family a positive source of support for your children. It will pay big dividends down the road in terms of building character and raising kids that will contribute to a better society.

Wellll, that’s all folks! Thank you, Dr. Brown, for laying out a clear plan with the Cape Code Project that is simple enough for any family to follow. And for more helpful resources on character development, visit the “Dr. Brown Says” page on our website here.

Choose kind,
Leigh Ann

As we are in the thick of the holidays, I got to thinking and casually polling about how we might be able to keep the true meaning and spirit of Christmas top of mind with our children, rather than solely focusing on all that is in Santa’s sleigh. As we parents know, that is not an easy accomplishment these days.

So what is a parent to do? We want to raise kids who are not entitled but, rather, grateful. We want to bring up kids who have a kind heart and giving spirit focused on helping and serving others.

At my two oldest children’s year-end holiday concert, the music teacher introduced the songs and the children singing them by talking about the meaning of the season. It was pointed out that music is one way to show and share love with other people, especially those with a tired spirit and a lot less skip in their steps…those less fortunate.

In the spirit of the old faithful Top 10 list, here are some things to ponder and to consider doing with your children during this special time of year to show and share some love – because let’s face it: In the end, love is a pretty darn important thing in our lives. It creates so much security and confidence in our children when they feel loved…when they get to make happy memories with us.

1) Discuss who you may know is having a particularly difficult or lonely year, and invite that person to join in on your holiday plans for dinner and some good cheer – chances are you know someone who fits this description.

2) If you celebrate Christmas, remember: It is the day that Christ was born. Some moms that I polled had the neat idea to have a birthday cake for Jesus to be sure he is not forgotten in the midst of the holiday frenzy.

3) Go caroling at an assisted living facility or volunteer some time there to bring the residents a picture your kids drew or just to sit and talk.

4) Go around the table with children during a meal and ask them to reflect on what they are most grateful for this year (that money cannot buy).

5) If the materialism and the wallet pounding has you blue, I have a friend who gives each of her children three gifts for Christmas, one representing each of the Three Wise Men/Kings from the Bible. How’s that for a win-win?

6) Discuss with your children one resolution they will make for how they will help another person or group of people in the new year (e.g, volunteer, help an elderly neighbor with his/her house chores, bake or cook for a family in need, etc).

7) Work hard to maintain the traditions from your childhood that were really happy, fun and filled your heart with joy. Children love to hear stories of their parents’ childhoods. Share some of your best memories of Christmas as a child, and try to replicate some of the familiar magic, recipes, places or activities whenever possible.

For me, I recall that the gifts we baked for our teachers were a pretty big deal growing up, as was the chance to go out to dinner on Christmas Eve to a “fancy” place in good ‘ole Mendham, NJ that we otherwise could not afford. We appreciated every moment of that decadent dinner and then prayed that our old and very “beaten up” Oldsmobile station wagon with wood paneling on the side would make it up our snowy driveway on the way home. If I close my eyes, I can go right back to those joy-filled moments with the Beach Boys Christmas album cranked up on the AM radio….they filled my heart up with so much love. I think the most magical part was that my mom and dad worked so hard to afford that dinner for our family. They were smart enough to teach us how fortunate we were to be going there and the importance of hard work to earn nice experiences to share with your family.

8) Plan to have no plans – and be home with your kids, nesting, cooking, telling stories, reading books and watching special movies with meaning. We parents move at warp speed trying to provide for our children. While that is awesome, I imagine our kids would never turn down extra quality time and quiet time with us. That takes being intentional, just as we would plan any other meeting (this is one where I struggle; I am a psychotic multi-tasker, but working hard on my own reform).

9) Treasure your treasures. Take the time to share the meaning of your heirloom decorations by telling your children stories about them. Ask for their help in carefully packing up the treasures until next year, emphasizing the value of these special family treasures.

For me, this year at my annual holiday lunch with my mom (one of our well-protected holiday traditions), she passed down the tree-topper angel to me. She wanted me to have it, as there is a lot of meaning and memory in that particular ornament for me. When my mom gave it to me, I started to cry. It made me realize that I could do a way better job reviewing all of the ornaments with my own children, as opposed to things being such a “free for all” when we decorate. I will do better in this regard next year.

10)Whatever we may have wished we had experienced as a kid but, for whatever reason, didn’t have the chance, now is our opportunity to make it happen for our children. Think through what new traditions your kids would cherish and try to make them a reality.

I know a couple that, every year, crafts an individual letter for each child to open on Christmas morning. The letter describes some of the highlights of the child’s year – the fun memories, the nicknames, the favorite songs and things to do. The letters are saved in a special box and stored away year over year. The children love reading their letters or having them read to them, depending on their ages. It has nothing to do with material things and everything to do with experiences. It becomes a keepsake to store in the box and in their hearts forever.