A charitable & foundational partnerships to ensure that portions of proceeds and/or profits are channeled to organizations dedicated to building better lives for underprivileged kids.
Over the last few weeks, we’ve been hanging on every word of Dr. Philip Brown, the man with a plan to help parents lead the creation of family codes of conduct. Dr. Brown’s recommendations, captured in the three-part activity series he created and named the “Cape Code Project,” are key to raising Cape Kids, little guys and gals of character who make good choices and choose kindness as their way to interact with the world. Dr. Brown is a senior consultant at the National School Climate Center and Wear the Cape’s character development guru (we couldn’t be more thrilled).
Activity #3: Making it real for your Cape Kids: How to bring core ethical values to life
Background: Making your clan’s core ethical values a meaningful part of family life depends on how you use them. Remember that the purpose is to provide a basis for greater caring and positive conduct by all members of the family – and this means parents, too! The core values should be used to support children’s evolving skills and understanding of moral and ethical behavior. As they grow older, children, like adults, are faced with conflicts that sometimes pit values such as honesty and loyalty against each other (e.g., reporting a close friend’s bad behavior).
Here’s how to set your hard work from Activities 1 and 2 in motion:
Activity:
Reinforce examples of positive behaviors that exemplify your family values. In order to underscore and internalize the meaningfulness of your values, emphasize them by reminding children (and adults) when they are ‘caught doing good’. If one of your values is responsibility, say something like, “Thanks for getting out there and shoveling the walk before I even asked you to do it – that’s really taking responsibility for helping me and the whole family.”
Use the values to identify behavior lapses or poor conduct, always indicating that it is the conduct not the person you are calling out. The core values should be guideposts for positive conduct, not reasons for punishment.
Develop and practice how you will use the core values as part of discipline. If there is conduct that, according to your family rules, requires punishment, such as removal of privileges or a time-out, start the conversation by asking which of the family values the behavior violated. If the conduct was failing to get ready for school on time resulting in getting to school late, the conversation might start with 1) identifying the behavior (‘you were playing video games instead of getting dressed on time’), 2) asking which of the values this behavior did not support (responsibility), 3) asking the child to say what kind of behavior would support that value, and 4) then indicating what an appropriate punishment would be according to your family rules. This general sequence would vary some depending on the age of the child and the circumstance, but it is important not to give the child the impression that you believe he or she is, by nature, an irresponsible person.
Remember to model the behaviors you expect from your children. If you have a spouse or partner, model the use of the core values and let your children hear and see you doing so. “Hey, honey, I love it when you clean up the kitchen for me; that’s such a responsible, caring thing to do.” If children see the adults in their lives consistently violating the core ethical values being asked of them, that is a more influential message than what you say to them about their conduct, and undermines the entire process of having family core ethical values.
Attitude is important. Accentuate the positive, and when you or your children fall short, your attitude should be, “We all make mistakes and may not be as responsible as we would like to be all the time, but we understand why it is important to try and be responsible, because it helps everyone else and makes us feel better about ourselves as family members, too.” (Note: This strategy for motivating good behavior is rooted in the well-researched fact that belonging to a family or social group is one of the most powerful human needs. On the other hand, relying on the fear of punishment fails to develop understanding and internal resources for prosocial behaviors.)
Our main takeaway? Be consistent and loving to make your family a positive source of support for your children. It will pay big dividends down the road in terms of building character and raising kids that will contribute to a better society.
Wellll, that’s all folks! Thank you, Dr. Brown, for laying out a clear plan with the Cape Code Project that is simple enough for any family to follow. And for more helpful resources on character development, visit the “Dr. Brown Says” page on our website here.
“It’s Dr. Phil! It’s Dr. Oz! No…it’s Dr. Brown!” Our very own Superman.
Philip Brown, Ph.D.
We are thrilled to introduce the Wear the Cape community to Philip Brown, PhD, our new resident expert on character education! Dr. Brown is a senior consultant at the National School Climate Center, an organization with the goal of promoting “positive and sustained school climate: a safe, supportive environment that nurtures social and emotional, ethical, and academic skills.” He is also a Fellow of the Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology at Rutgers University where he founded and directed the Center for Social and Character Development. For more on his impressive track record, click here.
Now, Dr. Brown is parlaying his extensive knowledge on character development—utilized throughout the education system—into an invaluable playbook for the home. On behalf of Wear the Cape and as his first contribution to its mission of restoring the power of kindness and good character, Dr. Brown has undertaken a very important initiative to help guide parents across the country in fostering the development of character in their kids. We’re calling this resource for families the Cape Code Project, which we’ll roll out as a three-part series with an activity for each installment:
“Discovering and agreeing upon your family’s core ethical values” (today!)
“Defining your core ethical values in behavioral terms”
“Making it real: How to bring your core ethical values to life”
All of this information will be archived on a new page that we just added to the site, titled “Dr. Brown Says”. Now, straight from Dr. Brown to you, here’s an introduction to the Cape Code Project, which will help you understand why it’s important now and how it can play a role within your clan, and your first activity on the mission to establish a family code of conduct!
Cape Code Project
Authored by Philip Brown, PhD
Introduction: Why the Cape Code Project is important now
The Cape Code Project offers opportunities for families to engage in character-building activities. Character is not a simple concept, as it turns out. Different cultures define what it means to be of good character differently, and we have defined and seen it differently over our country’s history. For example, did you know that character and moral education were the most important elements in the first public schools in America during the Colonial period? It was felt that good character was necessary for full participation in a new democracy, where concern for the welfare of all was an essential ingredient in recognizing the dignity of every human being and an electorate that would be governed by more than self-interest.
These days the very idea of moral education as the province of public schools is hardly present, and certainly not a priority. While social, emotional and character education is present in some schools, the role of parents as moral educators is more important than ever given our current culture’s emphasis on wealth and status-seeking. Of course religious institutions play a significant role in guiding moral development as well, and if your family is actively engaged in a faith tradition, you can easily adapt the Cape Code Project to fit within and enhance the moral education component of your religious orientation.
The Cape Code Projects requires that you take some time with your school-age children to Wear the Cape together. In fact, in our view engaging in this effort makes parents hometown heroes! Why? Because just taking the time to focus on the importance of core ethical values provides the basis for creating a better family, better community and better world. It’s not so important how much time you take at any one family meeting, but that you use the project in a way that 1) reinforces your family’s chosen values, 2) becomes a regular feature of your talk and actions, 3) provides you a way to deepen your relationships with each other, and 4) encourages you to reach out beyond the boundaries of your family to spread your moral wealth.
What is the Cape Code Project?
The Cape Code Project invites you to establish a family code of conduct, using the Wear the Cape purpose and ideas as the starting point. Wear the Cape is all about emphasizing and exemplifying the power of kindness in our actions and about recognizing that whatever our age or station in life, that we can make a positive difference in other people’s lives.
What is a code of conduct? In essence a code of conduct consists of the principals, values, standards and rules of behavior that guide the interactions and decisions of your family in a way that (a) contributes to the wellbeing of all family members, and (b) respects the dignity and rights of all family members.
So, let’s get started!
Cape Code Project Framework
Establishing your family’s core ethical values
Core ethical values are important because they represent the basic characteristics of being human that we want to guide our behavior with each other as family members. Obviously, parents and children have different roles in a family. Parents have greater responsibility for meeting children’s basic needs to be fed and housed, for example, and to provide a supportive environment for their physical development. But for a society to operate successfully this list must also include supporting social, emotional, and character development, as well. Children should have more responsibility for themselves and as contributing members of the family as they grow up. When we were predominately an agrarian society this transition was obvious, as there was always plenty of work to be done and children were needed to help to sustain the family. But in our more abundant society, it takes more intentional thought to develop ways to support the development of critical values on which Wear the Cape is focused.
Activity #1: Discovering and agreeing upon your family’s core ethical values
Background: What are core ethical values? The definition we like is from Tom Lickona, one of the pioneers in the character education movement:
“A value isa belief about what is good that transcends a specific situation and that guides judgment and decision making (Rokeach). In order for a value to be a ‘core ethical value’ it must be of central importance in the life of the individual and life of the community (Likona).” A core ethical value must have all of the following characteristics (source: Character Education Partnership):
Universal
Moral and ethical in nature
Supportive of our democracy and democratic way of life
Affirming and supportive of every individual
Important to relationships
Important to decision making
Significant, rather than trivial
What is important about this list is that it helps us distinguish between core ethical values and preferential values, that is values that guide lifestyle preferences or non-moral aspects of our behavior. These other values may seem very important to family members, and especially children, and when we make decisions they can be in conflict with core ethical values – think, consumer values, what makes me feel good right now but is not significant in the long run (expensive treats, new sneakers, a new car, playing video games, watching junk TV, putting someone down to make me feel superior or show off to my friends).
Core ethical values can also be thought of in traditional terms as virtues, the habits of mind and action that propel us to do the right thing rather than act in ways that may harm others or ourselves. For example, Aristotle emphasized the virtues of courage and temperance, and Benjamin Franklin defined one of his 13 virtues, Justice, as: Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
Activity:
Call a family meeting. If you don’t have family meetings, simply let everyone know that you will be spending 20-30 minutes talking about something important after dinner or at another time. (How you organize this as with other suggestions need to take into account the ages of your children as well as your own family culture — how you get along with each other.)
Describe that you want to come up with a few values that you can all agree are important for helping and caring for each other as well as getting things done that you need to do so everyone can get their needs met. Use the information in the background section to talk about what values are and what ethical values are and how they are different than other values.
As parents, you may decide that there are a couple values that you want to present as core values for your family, such as responsibility and respect, but allow for children to explore their ideas about what values they think are important as well. For example, children typically think that the core ethical value of fairness is very important (there is some evidence that this value may have a genetic basis).
Discuss and reach consensus on which core ethical values are going to guide your familyfor the future. Make sure everyone has a chance to weigh in, even if younger children may not yet fully understand the purpose of what you are doing. Indicate that you will have another family meeting in the future to see how everyone feels about these values and whether you want to add to or change them. Tip: Select not more than five core values — a longer list becomes too complicated to work with and emphasize; three is usually enough to begin with.
Discuss what each one means in general. You may want to use a couple dictionary definitions or definitions from your faith tradition to fill out the sense of what they mean.
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Thanks, Dr. Brown, for helping all of our Wear the Cape families embark on a path that will undoubtedly build kids into everyday heroes who will have positive impacts in their communities.
Heroes, get your families together in the next few days to do your Cape Code homework (Activity #1), and we’ll post Activity #2 in a week!
How lucky are we all to be able to tap into the brain of a man who has devoted his career to molding good people?! Beyond thankful.
Choose kind,
Leigh Ann
P.S. Please drop me a note at leighann@wearthecapekids.com to share feedback on how The Cape Code Project is going with your family! Have a question for Dr. Brown? Send it my way, and Dr. Brown will offer follow-up advice, either through a blog post or privately to you.
